Wednesday 18 July 2018

Hello! 
I’m Alexandra, but you can call me Lexi. I have just turned 25 and I live in a small town in North Devon in England. 
There are many resons I want to start a blog. Mainly as a diary of sorts. A way to collect my thoughts and feelings as well as to tell stories, and make people laugh. I don’t take myself too seriously, however this only works a small percentage of the time. 
The reason I am here today, now. Is because last night I had a panic attack in a dream and it’s got me thinking. I suffer with waves of depression and anxiety, and for the most part I have it under control, or I thought I did. Last night was a strange one for me because it has set off a chain reaction of anxiety and I have no real idea where it originated from. I woke up hyperventilating, sweating, heart pounding and I have not a sausage why. It is perplexing. 
So I am here writing my first ever blog post because I am a little afraid of going to sleep. I really struggle with ‘feeling weak’ and this is one of the times where I say to myself, ‘you are a grown woman, you need to deal with your problems and stop having panic attacks. It’s not okay to feel this way. People are going to say things. You look stupid. Put on your big girl pants and suck it up.’ However I am also SUPER aware that it is my anxiety talking and I get In this weird Groundhog Day style conversation with myself going round and round in circles arguing with the annoying little passenger I carry around with me. 
I passed my first year at university today which is a big deal. I tried when I was 18 (unsuccessfully) to get a degree, but again the annoying passenger had other plans so this is kind of a big deal for me. However I still feel as though I could have done better. 
Enough of this. I know there are many people in the world who can hnderstand the way I am feeling now and I am comforted by the knowledge that I am not alone. 
I hope everyone who struggles with mental health issues, speaks up and gets the help they need and deserve. You are not alone. 
Get good rest. 
Be unapologetically yourselves. 
Love hard. 
Goodnight. X